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I am complicated as a person.. 
Kau pun pernah cakap yang aku ni complicated, but in your own way, kau cakap aku ni special pada kau, and you might not know how it made me feel..
Aku tak mudah tunjuk reaction aku yang sebenar, but inside.. Aku rasa appreciated.. Aku rasa senang hati, not to mention malu and humbled.. Sebab aku rasa aku seorang yang sangat teruk.. 
Aku tak rasa aku deserve the compliment at all.. 

Apa yang kau tak tahu ialah aku sayang kau sebetul-betulnya.. Semua 'I love you' in the morning, at night, randomly said in the middle of the day.. All of that was true.. Even when I said on our last met.. All that was true.. And I meant it all.. 
My insecurity made me walked away from you when I felt overwhelmed.. I was clouded and my judgement was influenced by my own insecurity.. 

This time aku tak nak jadi lagi orang yang sakitkan kau dulu.. 
Aku menyesal dengan diri aku sendiri yang aku sendiri pun tak kenal lagi..
Semua gelak tawa masa kita bahagia bersama dulu, jadikan lah itu sandaran untuk kita bersama lagi.. 

Ambil lah masa kau untuk kenal aku yang sekarang, and jangan kau give up on us.. 
Aku susun hidup aku semula.. So that aku ready untuk bersama kau lagi.. 
Aku yang sekarang terbentuk dari kau, macam mana hidup kau yang sekarang terbentuk dari aku.. 
Kita sama sama belajar tentang masa lepas dan baiki and slowly grow together.

Aku tak nak sakitkan kau lagi, and aku tak nak sakitkan diri sendiri lagi..

I miss you, but I miss myself too..

 It's been a roller coaster ride these few months for me.. 
I'm trying to get back my love by begging you but it drifted us apart more..
I don't know what else should I do..
And it's all mine to blame.. 
I'll take it and swallow it.. No one else but myself to be blame..
I'm learning to forgive myself and be a better person.. 
I'm doing it for you, at first.. But as time flies, I do it for myself.. 
I'm proud for what I have been achieved up until today.. 
It was my own dedication to be better, controlling my urge, lust and desire for something that could ruin myself.. 
How could you love me if I'm not loving myself? 
I am now learning to love myself and accepting who I am.. 
It's not easy to do new things that is good for yourself.. 
But over time, if you do it over and over again, it becomes your routine.. 
And you would feel weird when you're not doing it.. 
I know it takes 90 days to do the same routine until it's becoming yourself.. But I'm halfway there.. 
It's been 64 days now that I have been sticking with my routine..
At first it feels a total mess. But now, I'm at  peace.. (Unless I take my latte or coffee lol) 
I hope this brand new me would be the person that I'm growing old  to..
I don't wanna be the younger anymore.. That full of hatred to myself it's affected people around me.. 
Especially to you.. 

And maybe you're right..
Maybe I am the problem, and you're coming to my life to change me without us being together..
That is the price that we have to pay for both of us to grow.. 
It so painful to think we love each other but the wound is too deep for us to be together.. 
I don't know if my thousands if not millions of apologies could heal the wound, but you need to know.. 
That you are matter to me, I love you once, I love you twice, I love you thrice and even more than I could counted.. 
But I still let go because of my own insecurity.. 
I hope you're happy forever because you deserve it.. 
I'll learn to let you go one day and if that day comes.. I will totally be happy too.. 

-  For LH, forever yours..