2023

 It's been awhile..
Baru ada kesempatan nak buka balik benda ni..
So, it's October 2023, woo hoo ada lagi 2 bulan before masuk 2024..
And aku tak tau aku nak excited untuk apa lol..

Just a lil update so far..
Tahun 2023 ni macam slow sikit and nothing much happened pun..
Last month, aku baru dapat kerja baru.. After 4 years working dengan NTT, aku blah gakk..
3 bulan notice weh dorang mintak.. Tapi aku dapat kurangkan sikit 3 months notice to with help from some. 

Sekarang bermula lah aku kat tempat baru.. Tak sampai sebulan lagi.. 
Tapi kerja dah berlambak macam bukit tabur.. Belum sebanyak everest lagi.. Kah..
And also, abah aku semakin tak sihat..
Sangat tak sihat.. Bed ridden patient dah.. Also start lupa lupa dah.. 
Aku rasa sebab keadaan abah aku, dia affect aku sangat sangat..
Tak tau nak react macam mana, aku rasa bersalah.. Semua yang berlaku macam salah aku..
Aku nak buat something to help him but I don't know what should I do..
Macam tak percaya aku kena hadap benda ni.. I wasn't ready at all..

Aku rasa macama banyak lagi aku tak buat untuk abah..
Macam banyak yang aku tangguh tangguh kan, and now aku rasa aku dah lambat sangat..
Terasa ralat sangat, macam ada yang tak complete..
Sometimes, masa tengah jaga abah dengan mak, mest ada cerita cerita masa abah sihat dulu..
Kitorang semua tak sangka abah boleh sakit sampai macam tu,
Tak ready, tak boleh nak terima..
Sampai aku rasa aku ni pentingkan diri.. 

Aku harap abah maafkan aku, bangga dengan aku, halalkan semua yang dia dah bagi kat aku..
Doakan abah aku sembuh and dikurangkan sakit dia..
Also doakan mak kuat hadap semua ni..
Bagi aku, apa yang mak buat untuk abah bukan senang, tapi mak buat juga..
Mak lah orang paling sabar aku pernah jumpa..
Akak aku pun tak tau kalau dia boleh buat kat laki dia macam apa yang mak buat untuk abah..
Macam tu lah hidup..

If 2018 was my worst year ever, 2022 is the best year ever, then 2023 is the awkward, hard, sad and straight face year for me...

Your life is a journey- and it's a long way to go

Hi, dah lama gila tak update blog ni..
Draft kat blog banyak, sebab banyak yang aku nak update..
I'm living my life now!!
I can say I love my life right now despite of what happened before this..
Semua waktu aku yang susah dulu bentuk aku yang hari ni...
YA ALLAH.. Aku bersyukur dengan hidup yang kau kurnia...
Aku sekarang sedar apa erti hidup.. Terima kasih kepada semua yang hadir dalam hidup aku..
Semuanya mengajar dan mendidik aku menjadi seorang manusia...

Dramatic tak? haha,
Aku rasa semuanya bermula tahun lepas, November,
Aku sejujurnya memang bawa hati ke Dungun, Terengganu and then ke Pulau Tenggol...
Masa dalam boat tu aku jumpa ramai diver lain yang lagi banyak experience...
Che Ton, Ain, Abg Ostad, Jaja, Lukman anak si Hamdan...
Aku pergi sana memang tak expect apa apa just nak dive balik je lepas dah bertahun tahun aku tinggalkan..
Masa dalam boat, all these divers cerita pasal Whale Shark kat Tenggol..
Aku macam Ohh ada whale ke? And tak expect akan jumpa pun.. Sikit pun tak ada rasa aku nak or akan tengok...
Tapi betul lah, semuanya dah tertulis takdir... Eventho masa first dive aku kena banyak masalah like takleh equalize, fin tertinggal, tak pakai weight, lemas sekejap & etc...

But "takdir yang esa" tak siapa boleh halang, dive kedua kitorang jumpa whale shark..
Dorang cakap tu cuma lah yang anak, tapi besar gak.. Macam besar bas sekolah camtu...
Ya Allah.. Serious aku cakap.,
Moment tu memang aku cakap menakjubkan sangat..
Berapa kali aku "WOW WOW WOW YA ALLAHHHHH" kat dalam air...
Memang satu keajaiban bagi aku.. It was so magical, bukan sekejap.. Lama.. More less 20 mins kitorang main dengan whale shark..
YES! Dia main main dengan kitorang.. Sangat friendly and manjahh.. Hahaha
Dan because of this encounter aku nak diving lagi...
Masa first dive tu aku macam dah nak give up...
Tapi Alhamdulillah aku jumpa Lukman sebab dia yang tolong and dorong aku untuk ready for next dive...

Tapi sebenarnya yang aku jumpa whale shark tu bukan keajaiban yang sebenar..
It all started bila aku start amik Open Water kat Tioman dulu... Tapi aku yang tak sedar...

Hari ni, lepas lebih 5 tahun aku balik semula ke Kg Salang, Tioman..
Aku baru lepas balik dari Dive Master training..
Yeah, my whale shark encountered lead me here...
Along the way, aku banyak jumpa rare souls...
Aku jumpa semua macam jenis manusia, jujur aku cakap, diving memang ubah hidup aku 180 degree..
Aku nak simpan semuanya, aku nak lalui semuanya dengan hati yang terbuka...
Susah, senang, perit payah, struggle untuk kelangsungan hidup, dari aku kecil sampai lah aku sekrang..
Perit payah mak, abah, akak abang aku semua, kawan sekolah, kolej, kerja awal sampai lah yang sekarang... Aku nak simpan semuanya... 

Bermacam jenis manusia aku jumpa dari trip aku ke Tenggol, sampai lah aku ke Tioman, Kg Salang kali ketiga... Seramai ramai manusia aku jumpa, kali ke 3 ni lah aku jumpa orang yang sebijik sebijan macam aku...
Tak pernah aku jumpa orang yang bila kena bodoh akan gelak, sebab orang tu selama ni aku je..
Tapi tak sangka bila datang berkampung 14 hari kat Tioman menemukan aku dengan manusia ni..
Sorang lagi ni aku memang nak menyendeng dengan dia sebab dia penghibur aku.. Hahahaha
Aku tak rasa dia nak kawan dengan aku pun awal awal tu, tapi aku tetap menyendeng pergi kat dia, macam kucing menagih nak kena belai...
Sepanjang 14 hari aku kat sana, dorang ni la yang aku selalu cari, untuk comfort..
Tak terasa janggal langsung, semua jenis cerita boleh pergi... And they know who they are...

Terima kasih sebab hadir dan muncul dalam hidup I secara tetiba.. I tak tau pun yang I perlukan korang..
Bukan mereka berdua je, semua lah 30++ participants, tenaga pengajar, Abg Jamal & DC & Abg Don, Makteh, Pakteh..
Korang semua mengajar dalam tak sedar...
Aku tak pernah ada confident se-confident sekarang..
Orang memang nampak aku macam tak fikir masalah and aku selalu buat happy depan orang..
Tapi belakang tak ramai yang tahu macam mana aku bergelut dengan diri sendiri...
Aku pernah rasa yang hidup aku ni tak berguna langsung..
Tapi aku lawan perasaan tu untuk keluarga, especially untuk mak...
Dan sekarang, aku rasa hidup aku macam satu maze yang besar,
Semua liku hidup yang aku lalu, bukanlah sia sia..
Aku ambil setiap yang terjadi sebagai iktibar dan aku teruskan hidup menimba lagi ilmu...
Aicehhh.. 

Dan dari sekarang aku nak teruskan hidup, yes life is a challenge and the challenges in life teaches you how to be stronger and why you should keep going...
Aku tau banyak lagi yang bakal ditempuh and it's not gonna be easy..
But I'll brace myself for whatever..
Bring it on...
I have what I need and nothing can stop me now.. ;) 

Sebenarnya

I actually wanna tell a story about how I met a giant whale shark on my diving trip a few weeks back...
But I couldn't finish it...
That's all I wanna say today...
I don't feel excited about anything anymore; it's slowly gone and all I'm waiting for is for the weekend...

😪

Emm yeah...

So aku baru balik dari langkawi, bercuti, kat sana...
That was the first time I went to Langkawi for a holiday...
Sebelum ni aku pergi sana sebab kerja...
And to be honest, ni first time aku tau Langkawi lagi besar dari yang aku rasa aku (dah) tau...
Sebelum ni macam pernah aku berjalan memalam dengan contractor aku bawa kereta satu langkawi, aku ingat dia dah bawa pusing satu pulau tu.. Rupanya besar lagi hahahaha! Thank you tunjuk kat I..

It was a very relaxed, enjoyed, fun and iconic (Haha!) trip...
I love it, I wanna do it again... Seriously sebelum ni tak pernah seronok macam ni... Pergi Langkawi...,
The place was romantic, cantik gila, seronok, and macam macam lah...
And the way we enjoyed the time... It was freaking nice! I couldn't asked for more..

I really looking forward for our next journey...
There's one plan I'm excited which involve beach and boat and sea and equipment and us and a ferry and a car and drive and this and that and you and me and books and pictures and bla bla bla... Lol

Oh and I turned 31st last month...
I wanna write about how we celebrated it because it was so fun and there's surprises for me... Hahaha, but nanti lah I post...
So yeah, I'm a year older now... But I don't care... Lol

I'll just share some Langkawi photos here, sorry malas nak susun

 

August 2021

It's been a while since my last post.
So here goes...
It's August again...
There's nothing much that I'm looking forward to this month. Except for the public holiday which I could just stay home doing nothing...
Only just a few things happened last year...
On the 2nd of the same month last year, I went to see this one person.
And fast forward this year, I'm still seeing the same person...
Though there's a story behind everything, I am so happy at the moment.

Anyway, have you ever like someone but it took you time to realize what about that person you like...
There are so many things you could like that person for... I've fallen for this one person just because of the pickup line... And trust me usually, I'm the one giving a pickup line, but not this time...
Or it was an accidental pickup line, I don't know, but I'm glad if it was...
And I'm the type that can get annoyed just like that, but this time I'm scared if I'm the one that bore that person...
I keep thinking if this is too soon like this is the first time I'm doing it, lol, but it feels so right...
I don't want to keep my hope so high, and I will just play along but not just go with the flow...

And next time if that person asking me, "why do you like me" or something similar, I know how to answer that...

Covid messed things up... From individual to global...
The virus mutation scared the shit out of me... The death toll is getting higher day by day...
And people might forget how to socialize the way we did in the pre covid times...
I'm kind of less interested in traveling back then... But I want to do it now... I want to see the world...
I want to learn new things... I want to live my life... Especially now...
Especially now I have someone special with me...

I thought I ain't gonna post this...

Does relationship important?
Friendship, yes
Family, yes
How about a relationship with a partner?
The younger me might think it's not that important...
But now... It feels like I'm wasting my time if I'm not taking this seriously, and I'm taking it seriously now...
And it's not easy with this one...
Do I like the challenge, or do I like the person?
Or both?
I told myself that I need to focus on myself 3 years back...
And I focused on myself for the last 3 years, and I'm ready to give my attention to another person which I wanna call a partner or a lover...
But what if the other person doesn't feel the same?
What if the other person just needs someone around and will leave me when done with me?

I know I couldn't control all this shit, and I should just go with the flow...
But for me go with the flow are for losers... They said that because they don't know what exactly they want in life or at least in whatever we're talking about, like a relationship...
I am an overthinking person... I admit that...
I couldn't sleep properly sometimes...
I'm ready to let go of everything for that person...
I don't wanna be the person I used to be anymore...
I know I sound desperate... But if you want me like the way I want you...
Will you do the same?

I'm so tired of all this shit...
This is my last attempt... I wouldn't do this shit again if I failed this...
I will put everything I can... PENAT LAHHH

The Queen Gambit

Lol... I just started watching the series because I don't know anymore what should I watch...
So it's been like 4th episode, and it's her first lost...
From the series, I could see that she doesn't like to fail...
I mean, who likes to lose... In anything...
And she cannot take it and took it to her mother...
Which I think we did it too to people around us...

And her mother...
Gosh... Even though she's not her birth mother, but...
She's so understanding... I mean up to this episode... I don't know what will happen next...
But I like her mother... How her mother controls things though it's something that she should proud of...
I don't know; I'm just talking nonsense here...
We'll see how the rest of the series goes...

So it's Monday again, and I had a fever...
It was so stupid... I mean, I know I'm stupid, but I didn't know that I'm somewhat stupid to that extend!!!
Okay, so I first sunbathed myself by the pool... And then went into the sauna, steam room and jacuzzi...
And I went back by the pool and fell asleep...
Then I came home and felt restless, and my body felt uncomfortable, and you know when you get a fever...
So I took pills and went to bed early...
And I woke up in the morning feeling refreshed...
I've got m apatite back and had breakfast...
But suddenly, in the afternoon, I felt sick again, and it was freezing like I'm in the North Pole and need to wrap myself under the blanket all the time...

 

Update: I finished The Queen Gambit yesterday night, and I finished Netflix Mini-Series Unorthodox